I’m really frustrated right now. I’m immensely frustrated, with everything in my life. I need a raise in a bad way. I’m getting my thoughts together and will be talking to my boss soon. I deserve a raise and truly hope I am convincing and that I get one. It would solve a lot of stress in my life. I'm close to tears all the time right now because I can just feel my frustration growing.
I want to pay more on my credit cards. I want to get my own place sooner than later. Just a cute 1 or 2 bedroom apartment close to friends, work, the grocery store. I want my own place to call home. I think a lot can be learned from living alone, and I’m ready to take that on and find out more about myself. I could do it now, but I would be a lot more comfortable with a raise.
I feel disgusting and completely frustrated with myself and my weight. I’ve let things go and can’t seem to jump back on and do anything about it. My Dad wants us to go to Cancun as a family in October. I’ve been dying to go on a “real” vacation, sit on the beach, read, drink, have a great time relaxing….yet, I can’t imagine having to go in this “body” of mine right now. I’d be hot, uncomfortable and would not enjoy myself.
Going from the previous paragraph, I don’t feel like I can put myself out there to date at all right now because I’m not happy with myself and how I look. And how can anyone else be if I’m not? And how would anyone ever think I was good looking? I’m not looking for sympathy here kids….this is just what goes on in my head. I know I should be easier on myself and give myself a break. But come on? If a guy has me to choose or someone skinnier, they’ll choose the skinny bitch, hands down, 99% of the time. I have a lot to give someone and a lot to put into a relationship, but I don’t get the chance….because who’s going to take a chance on the fat girl? So far: no one.
I have to have a procedure done that is going to be both painful and uncomfortable and I hate that my Mom can’t go with me. I’ll most likely have to have it done more than once, and that alone pisses me off. I’m sick of having things wrong with me and have to have procedures, operations, spend money paying co-pays and percentages of procedures, etc.
My Uncle has leukemia and is going to need a bone marrow transplant but can’t be on the transplant list. I hate that for him. He’s had the worst luck of anyone and he deserves something to go right in his life! It makes me both mad and sad for him and it’s wearing on me.
People have double standards, and it gets old. Don’t be childish.
I have great friends who are there for me through everything, you know who you are, and I appreciate you more than anything.
I watched Zuri on Valentine’s Day so Chris and Shauna could go out. She is just the cutest little bug around! I love her to pieces. She laughed and smiled the most when I let her lay on her back nekkid watching the fan :) She is the cutest. Period.
I watched Henry Poole Was Here yesterday. Great movie. It’s slow, but the music they fill in the slow spots with is fabulous. The story line is good, the music is great, good movie.
Ash Wednesday is next week which means Lent will be starting. I should probably give up all things food related, that would solve the problem in Paragraphs 3 and then 4 LOL. I’ll be thinking about what to give up, something hard that I will need to work at doing…I need to do something like that.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Thursday, November 6, 2008
November...already?
I cannot believe it's already November. It kind of blows my mind. Part of the problem is that it's 70 degrees. We had a week of cold weather, had to drag out the warm coats, shoes, gloves, ear muffs.....and now it's back to 70, seriously. Now I enjoy this weather, don't get me wrong. To me 70's are PERFECT! But, can we not get a week of 70's in the summer instead of the first week of November? God totally has a sense of humor, I love it!
Shauna and Chris welcomed Zuri Renae Doty this week, YAY! 8 lbs, 8 0z, 22 inches, full head of hair, and absolutely gorgeous! I LOVE HER! 
She is just perfect. The picture below is when she was in the NICU, so her tummy is a little full of air still. She isn't nearly as big in person as she looks in this picture. She has Chris' nose for sure, and a ton of his manerrisms, but also looks like Shauna at the same time. Totally has Shauna's lips. She is just a bundle of joy and such a blessing for them. I cannot wait to watch her grow up. Just holding her for a few minutes is amazing. She is such a sweet little baby! Shauna should be going home from the hospital on Friday. She'll need a lot of help getting around and stuff, and can't drive for two weeks. I know there will be a lot of helpers over at the house :)
She is just perfect. The picture below is when she was in the NICU, so her tummy is a little full of air still. She isn't nearly as big in person as she looks in this picture. She has Chris' nose for sure, and a ton of his manerrisms, but also looks like Shauna at the same time. Totally has Shauna's lips. She is just a bundle of joy and such a blessing for them. I cannot wait to watch her grow up. Just holding her for a few minutes is amazing. She is such a sweet little baby! Shauna should be going home from the hospital on Friday. She'll need a lot of help getting around and stuff, and can't drive for two weeks. I know there will be a lot of helpers over at the house :) My stupid neck issue was still lingering. It started about 3 weeks ago. I woke up and could not look to the left, it hurt so bad. I figured I just slept on it wrong, so I gave it a few days. It got better, but not 100%. So it's been hurting ever since, sometimes more than other days. So I was using ibuprofin and the heating pad, which seemed to help. But yet again, didn't make it go away completely. So I finally went to the doctor yesterday and he said I pulled my Trapezius muscle. He asked me where it hurt and what the symptoms were and he pretty much knew right then that's what muscle I pulled. But he examined me to make sure and then said it was definitely the Trapezius muscle. He gave me some meds and I should be on the mend and feeling 100% in a week or so, and it should go away completely in 2-3 weeks. Yay!
So last Saturday I was sitting at home and I heard my phone go off that I had a text message. So I picked it up and the message said "Hey" but I didn't have the number programmed in my phone. It looked familiar but I still didn't know who it was. So I texted back and said "Hi. Who is this?" And I get a text back that says "It's Casey. I see you don't have my number in your phone anymore?" (if you read the first blog you would know Casey is the text-message-breakup-douchebag!) So I text him back and say "Why would I?" Then he proceeds to ask me how I'm doing, if I'm still living in the same place, etc. I answered very short answers and didn't ask him any questions. Then I didn't hear back from him. What a freak! Seriously, what is wrong with you? I'd rather stab my eyes with pencils than talk to you again. I love that he contacted me though. Can't get me out of your head? Aww, poor guy! Shouldn't have done me wrong and maybe we could be friends. So how about you GO AWAY! Men : a special kind of stupid.
So I still have my profile up on Match, but no luck there. I was emailing with a guy who seemed really great. Our conversations were good, we had a ton to talk about, a lot in common and enough not in common that we were both very interested. Then I get the email: I met someone and want to see what developes. I would not be lying when I tell you that this has happened to me probably 4 or 5 times. I know that it's probably not meant to be if that happens, I realize that....but come on already! Enough is enough. I've had about as much as I can take now. I am 27, I should have a normal dating life. But instead I meet guys online who seem interesting, who get me "hooked" and interested in meeting them and then BAM, they're gone. WTF! I'm sick of this. I wouldn't be online trying to meet guys if I met ANYONE, EVER in person. I'm never the one the guys are going to come up to if I'm out with the girls. I'm the fat one, I'm last on the list of anyones attention. I'm so tired of this. Can I not get thrown a bone here, seriously!? GRRR.
Not much else going on in my life. I really want to paint my bathroom, but I don't think I have enough paint left from painting my room and I don't want to have to buy another gallon of paint. I'll probably make some dinner and cookies and bring it over to Shauna and Chris this weekend. And I'm supposed to hang out with Kristina, and Dinger wants to hang out too, so that will be fun! It's so awesome to have met these amazing women who welcome me into their "group" so openly. They are great! I totally miss girls back home and Christine. I wish we could all live closer so I could see everyone all the time.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
"I'm feeling rough i'm feeling raw i'm in the prime of my life"
I'm feeling very rough and raw right now. I feel like so many things are changing around me. My family and friends are all changing around me and I'm stuck in the same spot, unable to move. I don't feel like there are a lot of things I can control. Of course there are some things that I can do to change where I am at in my life, but there are a lot of things I cannot control.
I can't control meeting someone. Sure, I can put myself out there and try to meet someone and try to date, but someone has to actually want to take me out. I can have a membership on a dating website and hope that someone of value comes along, but so far they have not. I don't know when I became this person who is so undesirable, so unattractive and ugly to the world. I'm sure that sounds pretty dramatic, but it's how I feel. I feel so completely closed off from these possibilities. I don't, though, feel like I'm closing off the chance of meeting someone. If I learned anything from the past few months it's that "if I don't try, I'll never know". Cliche? Maybe. Right? Absolutely. I know that if I don't "put myself out there" that I won't meet anyone. But I can't meet anyone if no one thinks I'm worth taking the chance on.
I'm feeling like I am kind of spinning out of control. Not completely I guess, but I feel like the ball is beginning to unravel. I'm not sure what to do to fix that. Like I said, I don't feel like I have a lot of control here. This is my life, yes....but I don't know how to fix it all, or even where to begin. I stress about money, constantly. I barely have enough to pay my bills. I've had to rely on credit cards to get by and that has done nothing but damage my financial future. I do my best to not spend money, to pay my bills on time and to live this mediocre life. But when does something good happen to me?
I know, I sound like a ginormous baby right now with all the "why me" and "when will it be my turn", but honestly, when will it be my turn? There is only so much a girl can take, an I'm not joking around here. I've been dumped on and messed with. I've thought I was in a place of complete happiness and it was gone before I could blink an eye. I've been used and knew it. I've met someone who I think is pretty damn great and who I can actually be myself around (and who I think actually enjoys all of my qualities), but, well I don't even really know the deal with this one.
I'm completely rambling. Friends get married, have babies, move away, take jobs, and I'm still standing here, here in this spot, alone. I just need something more than what I have in my life, and I don't know where to start. It's easy for my friends who are married or in relationships to say "you'll find someone, I know it". You don't know it, there is no guarantee. I don't know it, you don't know it. Do I hope they're true? Absolutely. Would I bet money on them being right? No. If my past is any indication of what my future holds, then I'll be alone my entire life. I just don't know where else to go, what else to do, what to change to take that first step out of the place I've been standing in. This rut I call my life is ridiculous right now.
I feel like sometimes the doubt and uncertainty of my life take over and that's when I have days like today. I just need time by myself to attempt to sort it out, and it makes it hard when you have a roommate. Just being in an empty house will do the trick sometimes. She's not home tonight so it helps, but I feel like I need days of alone time to sort through this mood. I'm homesick. I need to sit and have lunch with my Mom. I crave going for coffee with my Dad, one of his hugs could really fix everything right now. Someone to wipe away these tears and hold me and not let go....not want to let go. A hug. A cup of coffee. A friend to listen to everything and not interrupt, even when it seems like I may have nothing left to say. There are no "right" things to say to me right now to fix anything. I just need some time I guess to get over this burden I'm carrying.
I know I'll feel better in a few days, but these feelings are still in there and will resurface again. But for now, I do my best, I put on my happy face, I sit and I wait.....
I can't control meeting someone. Sure, I can put myself out there and try to meet someone and try to date, but someone has to actually want to take me out. I can have a membership on a dating website and hope that someone of value comes along, but so far they have not. I don't know when I became this person who is so undesirable, so unattractive and ugly to the world. I'm sure that sounds pretty dramatic, but it's how I feel. I feel so completely closed off from these possibilities. I don't, though, feel like I'm closing off the chance of meeting someone. If I learned anything from the past few months it's that "if I don't try, I'll never know". Cliche? Maybe. Right? Absolutely. I know that if I don't "put myself out there" that I won't meet anyone. But I can't meet anyone if no one thinks I'm worth taking the chance on.
I'm feeling like I am kind of spinning out of control. Not completely I guess, but I feel like the ball is beginning to unravel. I'm not sure what to do to fix that. Like I said, I don't feel like I have a lot of control here. This is my life, yes....but I don't know how to fix it all, or even where to begin. I stress about money, constantly. I barely have enough to pay my bills. I've had to rely on credit cards to get by and that has done nothing but damage my financial future. I do my best to not spend money, to pay my bills on time and to live this mediocre life. But when does something good happen to me?
I know, I sound like a ginormous baby right now with all the "why me" and "when will it be my turn", but honestly, when will it be my turn? There is only so much a girl can take, an I'm not joking around here. I've been dumped on and messed with. I've thought I was in a place of complete happiness and it was gone before I could blink an eye. I've been used and knew it. I've met someone who I think is pretty damn great and who I can actually be myself around (and who I think actually enjoys all of my qualities), but, well I don't even really know the deal with this one.
I'm completely rambling. Friends get married, have babies, move away, take jobs, and I'm still standing here, here in this spot, alone. I just need something more than what I have in my life, and I don't know where to start. It's easy for my friends who are married or in relationships to say "you'll find someone, I know it". You don't know it, there is no guarantee. I don't know it, you don't know it. Do I hope they're true? Absolutely. Would I bet money on them being right? No. If my past is any indication of what my future holds, then I'll be alone my entire life. I just don't know where else to go, what else to do, what to change to take that first step out of the place I've been standing in. This rut I call my life is ridiculous right now.
I feel like sometimes the doubt and uncertainty of my life take over and that's when I have days like today. I just need time by myself to attempt to sort it out, and it makes it hard when you have a roommate. Just being in an empty house will do the trick sometimes. She's not home tonight so it helps, but I feel like I need days of alone time to sort through this mood. I'm homesick. I need to sit and have lunch with my Mom. I crave going for coffee with my Dad, one of his hugs could really fix everything right now. Someone to wipe away these tears and hold me and not let go....not want to let go. A hug. A cup of coffee. A friend to listen to everything and not interrupt, even when it seems like I may have nothing left to say. There are no "right" things to say to me right now to fix anything. I just need some time I guess to get over this burden I'm carrying.
I know I'll feel better in a few days, but these feelings are still in there and will resurface again. But for now, I do my best, I put on my happy face, I sit and I wait.....
Monday, October 20, 2008
Just Another Manic Monday
So it's Monday....and I HATE Monday's. But I was pretty excited this morning because my friend Shauna had a doctor appointment at 9:00 and was going to find out if they would be inducing her today. I haven't heard from her yet, but I can't wait to find out! I brought a change of clothes and my book just in case I'll be camping out at the hospital later today.
My weekend was pretty busy, again. I haven't had a single weekend this month with no plans. Friday night I met Michele at the Bonefish Grill from some yummy bang bang shrimp and cocktails. We sat and talked for awhile and then decided to see a movie. We saw The Secret Life of Bees, the movie was fabulous. It had us laughing and crying, and was a good combination of both. Great movie, definitely recommend it...probably more so for the ladies though.
Yesterday I was finally able to stay home all day and get some things done. I didn't feel great (had a headache most of the day), but I cleaned my room, dusted, vacumned and cleaned my bathroom, and washed all of my bedding including my down comforter (was very nervous to wash this in the washing machine but it was fine!). Then I went to the grocery store and came home and made a big pot of chilli, some corn bread and some apple turnovers. While I was cooking I had all of the windows open and it felt great! The weather was sunny and in the 60's yesterday, so it was a perfect day. I let the cats hang out in the back yard and they were loving life. I think they must have been chasing the grasshoppers because they were never in one spot too long and were running around the yard chasing something.
I just heard from Shauna and there will not be a baby today. Her blood pressure went down just enough that the doctor wants to go ahead and wait. They were going to induce her today if her bp hadn't gone down. She will be 37 weeks tomorrow. She has another doctors appt. on Thursday at 10:00, and she was told to bring her bags again for that appt just in case. She had a dream that she had the baby on the 23rd, so we'll see if her dream was right :) I can't wait to meet baby Zuri and watch her grow up. This is the first baby out of my friends that I've been able to be here for the entire thing. I was there when she took the pregnancy test, I've been able to watch her belly grow the last 9 months and now I'll get to meet Zuri and welcome her to this world and watch her grow up. I can't wait!
I booked my ticket home for Christmas last week and I could NOT be any more excited. I've lived in Kentucky now for 3 years and 3 months, and this is the first year I haven't been able to go home sometime in the middle of the year. So I haven't seen my parents since last Christmas, and that is far too much time :( I miss them terribly. I talk to them ALL the time, but it's just not the same as being able to spend an afternoon with them. So many people take advantage of their family living close by. The Earles (Shauna's parents and family) welcome me into their home and family like I'm just another one of their kids. It's wonderful to feel so welcome. But sometimes I really just wish I could be with my family. It's hard to be here sometimes, but right now it feels like the right thing. I know my visit home will be wonderful and I cannot wait! We will go to the Maltby Cafe for breakfast and walk around the shops, I'll get up early and drink coffee with my Dad, I'll cuddle up on the couch with my Mom at night and watch shows and I'll lay in bed and look out the window onto the street I grew up on. Being at home is amazing. It is never long enough and is always hard to say goodbye.
I also booked a flight to my cousin Christine's for Thanksgiving. We started a tradition of spending Thanksgiving together when I moved out here. She lives in Kansas City, so for the first 2 years she came out here, and last year I went out there. Last year was only a few days after I had my tonsilectomy though, so I was not a lot of fun. I could still barely eat anything and was on pain medication. I slept a lot, but Christine took good care of me. In spite of my not being able to eat, we cooked the best thanksgiving dinner I think we'd ever had (aside from my Mom's cooking of course). I can't wait to cook this year and actually be able to try everything :) I ordered a little leaf cookie cutter for adding leaves to my pumpkin pie, and I can't wait to try it out. I know, I'm a big nerd, but I just love things like that!
I don't have much going on this week, which I'm happy about. I have to prepare for the Finance and Executive Committee meetings at work, but other than that I shouldn't be too busy. As long as I can be at work on Thursday for the Finance Committee meeting I'll be able to leave after that to go to the hospital if Shauna is going to be having her baby.
I'm guessing a lot of my future posts won't be so long, at least not all of them. I'm just feeling very "wordy" lately.
Have a great day, if that's possible on a Monday! :)
My weekend was pretty busy, again. I haven't had a single weekend this month with no plans. Friday night I met Michele at the Bonefish Grill from some yummy bang bang shrimp and cocktails. We sat and talked for awhile and then decided to see a movie. We saw The Secret Life of Bees, the movie was fabulous. It had us laughing and crying, and was a good combination of both. Great movie, definitely recommend it...probably more so for the ladies though.
Yesterday I was finally able to stay home all day and get some things done. I didn't feel great (had a headache most of the day), but I cleaned my room, dusted, vacumned and cleaned my bathroom, and washed all of my bedding including my down comforter (was very nervous to wash this in the washing machine but it was fine!). Then I went to the grocery store and came home and made a big pot of chilli, some corn bread and some apple turnovers. While I was cooking I had all of the windows open and it felt great! The weather was sunny and in the 60's yesterday, so it was a perfect day. I let the cats hang out in the back yard and they were loving life. I think they must have been chasing the grasshoppers because they were never in one spot too long and were running around the yard chasing something.
I just heard from Shauna and there will not be a baby today. Her blood pressure went down just enough that the doctor wants to go ahead and wait. They were going to induce her today if her bp hadn't gone down. She will be 37 weeks tomorrow. She has another doctors appt. on Thursday at 10:00, and she was told to bring her bags again for that appt just in case. She had a dream that she had the baby on the 23rd, so we'll see if her dream was right :) I can't wait to meet baby Zuri and watch her grow up. This is the first baby out of my friends that I've been able to be here for the entire thing. I was there when she took the pregnancy test, I've been able to watch her belly grow the last 9 months and now I'll get to meet Zuri and welcome her to this world and watch her grow up. I can't wait!
I booked my ticket home for Christmas last week and I could NOT be any more excited. I've lived in Kentucky now for 3 years and 3 months, and this is the first year I haven't been able to go home sometime in the middle of the year. So I haven't seen my parents since last Christmas, and that is far too much time :( I miss them terribly. I talk to them ALL the time, but it's just not the same as being able to spend an afternoon with them. So many people take advantage of their family living close by. The Earles (Shauna's parents and family) welcome me into their home and family like I'm just another one of their kids. It's wonderful to feel so welcome. But sometimes I really just wish I could be with my family. It's hard to be here sometimes, but right now it feels like the right thing. I know my visit home will be wonderful and I cannot wait! We will go to the Maltby Cafe for breakfast and walk around the shops, I'll get up early and drink coffee with my Dad, I'll cuddle up on the couch with my Mom at night and watch shows and I'll lay in bed and look out the window onto the street I grew up on. Being at home is amazing. It is never long enough and is always hard to say goodbye.
I also booked a flight to my cousin Christine's for Thanksgiving. We started a tradition of spending Thanksgiving together when I moved out here. She lives in Kansas City, so for the first 2 years she came out here, and last year I went out there. Last year was only a few days after I had my tonsilectomy though, so I was not a lot of fun. I could still barely eat anything and was on pain medication. I slept a lot, but Christine took good care of me. In spite of my not being able to eat, we cooked the best thanksgiving dinner I think we'd ever had (aside from my Mom's cooking of course). I can't wait to cook this year and actually be able to try everything :) I ordered a little leaf cookie cutter for adding leaves to my pumpkin pie, and I can't wait to try it out. I know, I'm a big nerd, but I just love things like that!
I don't have much going on this week, which I'm happy about. I have to prepare for the Finance and Executive Committee meetings at work, but other than that I shouldn't be too busy. As long as I can be at work on Thursday for the Finance Committee meeting I'll be able to leave after that to go to the hospital if Shauna is going to be having her baby.
I'm guessing a lot of my future posts won't be so long, at least not all of them. I'm just feeling very "wordy" lately.
Have a great day, if that's possible on a Monday! :)
Friday, October 17, 2008
Life or something like it
So I'm new to the whole blogging world, but I thought I'd give it a try. I spend so much time on a computer for work that it makes sense to try and capture some of my life in writing when I have the chance. I try to write in a journal but am not good about doing it often.This year has been interesting for sure. In January my boss became the Managing Director for the law firm that I work for. Basically he oversees all 4 offices, 175 attorneys, 30 paralegals, and around 100 support staff, all while not slowing down his practice. In sum, this makes my job very busy and stressful. I'm doing a ton of administrative work on top of legal work. I enjoy my job and get along great with my boss. I still don't know what I want to be doing in life so for now this pays the bills.
In March my best friend Danielle came out to visit for the first time and we had a blast! I believe she enjoyed Kentucky and all of its beauties. We crammed as much as we could in the few days she was here. I will never forget our trips together and can't wait for her to come back!
In May I started packing and moving. Michele (my cousin) and I finally decided it was time to move. Her and her boyfriend were engaged and getting a place together and I started looking for a place. Trying to find an affordable apartment is almost impossible. I ended up being able to move in with my friend Olivia which is great. I LOVE my room and am glad to be paying less in rent/bills. I can't wait to have my own place but for now this is working great. Our cats act like brother and sister and constantly torment each other, but it's fun to watch them play and interact. I think it keeps Bella young. She is teaching Chico a lot which is funny and they go out in the backyard and play together.
Also in May I met someone. We dated for a few weeks and then started seeing each other exclusively. This was the first relationship I had been in since Rob. I had dated quite a bit but had not been willing to be in a relationship. I was dooped, big time, but learned a lot from the whole experiene. Mostly I learned a lot about myself. The only way I'm going to know if something can work with someone is if I try. Even though this attempt was a failure, I picked myself back up and am moving forward. I do still wonder if I'll ever find anyone. One of my closest friends is getting married tomorrow back home. I can't be at the wedding and am having mixed emotions about it. We have been friends since Preschool. She was never the one who had a boyfriend or even acted that interested in dating, and now here she is getting married. I can't help but feel like I'm getting left behind. Most of my friends are married, several are married and having children and others are so driven in school and their careers......I know I make my own life, but some of the happiness that life has to offer isn't necessarily in my control.
Now as we settle into fall I am overwhelmed with feelings. Something about this time of year gets me thinking, I get homesick more than any other time of year, I feel so much more in touch with my feelings and emotions. I crave the crisp morning air, the leaves falling, the dark mornings and the stormy nights. I enjoy the bright yet gloomy weather that goes along with fall. I love the colors and depth of character on the trees. I love making soup and drinking tea, watching a movie while it's raining and cuddling up under the covers with a good book. All things that can be done anytime of year, yet are so much more enjoyable in the fall.
I hope to write when I can and fill you in on the trials and tribulations of a single 27 year old and hopefully keep family and friends up to date in a life that sometimes prevents me from keeping in touch as often as I'd like.
I can't promise I'll always be writing about something happy and joyous, my feelings just aren't always that way. But I promise honesty and hopefully even some humor :)
Have a great day!
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